Your Delivery is here Ma'am!

Do you know that in some hospitals, they have a policy of 'Delivery within half an hour is free' (exactly opposite of what Dominos' Pizza people say 'delivery within half an hour or free').

No, I'm just joking about the 'free' delivery in hospitals - no hospital in its right mind would risk giving an offer like this because then there will be long queues of about-to deliver women screaming away in pain in the corridors,  lawns/cars/ around the hospital waiting for the point when it would take the baby only half an hour or less to pop out. Informal sector would flourish around the hospital -providing stretchers/wheelchairs to promptly transport the very-soon-to-be-mom inside the hospital premises; towels for husbands to wipe off sweat; bandages for husbands who have been hit by wives in labour-pain; pens to fill up forms while waiting; snacks for the family etc etc (I can think of a million things - think of the amount of employment this could generate!!). Soon the formal sector will insert itself and every hospital will have hotels and guest houses flanking it to provide stay for family on an hourly basis and an in-house doctor for emergencies (who would of course not come free)... OK...OK...I'll stop here...

There were 24 pregnant women whose progress I was following (and who were supplying me with real-life juicy and interesting stories)...most of them had their babies before me and two delivered after me...All their birth stories were different and I loved hearing each one of them, but the ones I present here for your consumption, surpassed all benchmarks of being bizarre...but as Shakespeare would say...'all's well that ends well'


Friend 1: 

Stays in a small town in the United Kingdom with her husband. The parents and parents-in-law had planned trips as per the due date but some people are so efficient that they produce the deliverable before time!!! So this one (I mean my friend) experienced contractions one evening and the husband rushed from work- took her to the hospital....all this only to be informed that it was a false alarm (apparently there are 2-3 kinds of false labour - how are pregnant women supposed to know which one is the real thing - they tell you on the Internet that the uterus is practising for the real event - thank God I did not have to undergo these rehearsals!!)...Well to cut the long story short, the false alarm went off again and then again (in one instance, the hubby flew back from some foreign country)...So this friend started ignoring all rumbling/pulling/pushing kind of movements in her abdominal region. One fine day she is lolling around in the bath tub (in whatever space there must be after fitting herself in it) (the due date still 2 weeks away)...hubby sitting in the other room...she calls out to say that she felt some tugs in her abdominal region...the husband laughed and said...phir!!! (again!!)...He then said that he wanted to go out for a drink with a friend and would be back in an hour....She told him to bring back some Thai fried rice for her (I have to write this here because I was told the story in great detail and I don't want to miss out important points such as the Thai fried rice). And I know that you all know that it was not a false alarm this time...

This is what happened..........my friend realizes that the little one is adamant on coming out this time - she gets out of the soapy water on to the slippery bathroom floor..somehow reaches her phone in the other room...calls up hubby - listens to the hubby's phone ringing away merrily somewhere in close vicinity (it was lying on the bed and the husband was phone-less and had not mentioned which friend he was going out with...my friend tells me that even in that excruciating pain she thought whether the husband had gone to see a female friend!!)- calls up 3-4 friends - gurgles something incoherently on the phone - but like friends are - they derive the meaningful out of the gurgle and offer to come over (in other words tell her to stay put) - she wears something from the cupboard- the soapy liquid on the body gets mixed with her sweat-she swears at her husband...who is not there...looks  for the house keys that are not in the right place - again swears at the husband - lies down on the bed - it feels to her as if hours have gone by but actually a friend arrives in ten minutes- doesn't remember this part but picks herself up somehow and opens the door and collapses in the friend's arms - other friends arrive...she's taken to the hospital...note put on door to inform hubby- birth happens within 10 mins of reaching hospital.

Husband reaches hospital with packets of Thai fried rice in both hands (see I told you this was an important point) (he had decided not to have a drink after all but was looking for a restaurant selling good Thai fried rice as their regular one was closed - wanted to fulfill the pregnant wife's craving!!!) - finds his friends passing around his baby boy like their trophy - and his wife asleep with exhaustion!!!!!!


Friend 2: 

Stays in the US of A with her nice fat husband who looks very cute like a little pig (I am not being derogatory - this is an important point and little pigs are very cute and pink and please note the usage of the word 'nice' before 'fat' and use of the word 'little' to balance out 'fat'). I don't know if any of you have ever realised how every human face resembles that of a particular animal (for some faces you just need to look for a micro-second and you can guess the animal, and for others you would have to subject the face to a more closer scrutiny...I know of many sheep-like; lion-like; goat-like faces).
Coming back to the story: She had almost no pre-delivery issues as they had been advised a C-section and the date had already been decided.

So they packed all the required stuff in a bag - went to the hospital on the due date and started waiting for the usual stuff to happen. Their first one, a boy, was also waiting for his sister's arrival...
The husband got tired of twiddling his thumbs, so he went out for a smoke - which nowadays, in the US means travelling at least 2-3 kilometres to find a place which is not 'public', where nobody would get disturbed by the smoke. Now, the son had made the father promise that he would not smoke - 'NEVER EVER again after my little sister is born'. So, while the mom is busy getting her blood pressure checked etc. the Sherlock of a son follows the father (I tell you- these children know everything - especially things they are not supposed to know)...

When the father sees the son, he gulps the smoke inside and tries to hide the cigarette...but to no avail...The son starts howling in the alley - ''you promised!!! you are very cruel!! (and other words he had recently learnt)..It was no use telling the son that technically the promise was being kept as the sister was still on her way..'you are not my father...I am going to call child protection service' (or whatever the name is)...

And you have to see it to believe the expression on the father's face when he recounts his misadventure. No sooner did the son utter those words 'child protection....', out of thin air, two police men materialised in the otherwise deserted alley....

'You will have to come with us sir'........'is this man your father?' Imagine my friend's husband's eyeballs popping out of their socket on hearing his son's answer, 'No, Never!!! he is not my father'
'What was he trying to do to you'...'he was trying to shorten my life!'......'WHAT!!'....'you know he smoked one cigarette and I have lost 5 minutes of my life'

You know the rest...this guy somehow explained and cajoled the protection officers and told them to escort him to the hospital where..his wife was having labour pains...and how he was so nervous that he had to come out for a smoke..(with his cute face he somehow managed to get across; or may be one of the officers was a smoker who understood the situation (see the reference to the pig like cute expression was important))

When they reached...as they were going up the stairs, a nurse looked at the father and said - 'are you Mrs.X's husband?' 'Yes what happened..'.' a baby girl'...she looks just like you.........actually the nose is the same!!! congratulations!!! So he ran upstairs with his son in his arms to meet his new piglet!! (who is by the way the cutest girl I've ever seen - the shape of the nose has definitely and thankfully changed in one year) (the father of course has to recourse to serious cosmetic surgery if he doesn't want the audio 'OINK OINK' playing in my ears every time I look at him.


FRIEND 3

This is a short story and you'll shortly know why...

There can be two types of anaesthesia administered during delivery by C-section...or for any operation for that matter - A general anaesthesia which knocks you out and when you come out of it, you'll be a mommy without your knowing anything about the intermediate process. The second one is a localised anaesthesia which is administered to the lower portion so your mind is still working, you're in your senses but cannot feel much below your chest..

With that part clear, let me proceed with the story. So Friend 3 got a local anaesthesia and they put up a curtain between her eyes and the surgical procedure. She could of course hear everything and when they cut her up (i mean made the incision), she could not feel the pain and yet feel herself being cut open (I can't describe it...but it was gross, the way she described it...)

She told me that she was quite surprised that scientific people like doctors did not realise how useless the curtain was as she could see the whole procedure clearly reflected in the steel portion of the huge bulb hanging above the operating table. She, however, kept quiet ...but the doctors did not.....

Doc 1, 'you know, my husband has found out about this new yoga teacher who can come home and take sessions'
Doc 2, 'kahan aa paaoongi main yoga ke liye', 'nurse zara scissors dena''
Doc 1, 'mere bachchon ko maine bol diya hai ...now I need some time on my own...yeh beech mein fat tissue bohot hai'
Doc 2, ' aapke bachche bade ho gaye hain...meri choti vaali toe abhi class 2 mein hai...aur homework toe aisa dete hain...baap re baap...jaise MBBS ki padhai ho...dhyan se...vo nus aapki scissors ke bohot paas hai...
Nurse, 'doctor, homework ki toe bohot problem hai...private tutors toe doctors se zyada kamate hain, arre nahi doc, vo knife sterilised nahi hai...yeh vaali lijiye'
Doc 1, 'yeh bachcha phansa hua hai iske andar...kainchi do zara...oh! chhodo...yahin padi hui hai...maine kidney par rakh di thi........'

and my friend did not need any anaesthesia after that....when she came around, there was congratulations coming from every direction and she was trying to feel a pair of scissors inside her...and at the same time trying to feed her 10 minute old baby...


FRIEND 4

About this one I have written a lot. She had a C-section in a hospital in Delhi. For one whole day, only boys had been born there and the nurse informed my friend and her husband, in the lift, that there was a 'pundit ji' on the premises who had said that for three days only 'male' births will happen (probably something wrong with the stars). On the first floor another couple (expecting parents) entered the lift. The man was doing all the talking and he informed my friend and her husband that 'pundit ji' had given a muhurat to them for a c-section and that would ensure the birth of a son to them (I wonder how all the DNA/ chromosome thing we learn in school would transform on the muhurat second from a girl into a boy). The man highly recommended the pundit ji and my friend categorically told him that she would go by the doctor's instructions, not some mumbo-jumbo of a pundit. The man asked incredulously 'oh! but don't you want a son?'. My friend said - her anger rising 'not necessarily...and it is none of your business'...My friend's hubby heaved a sigh of relief when the lift stopped and they got out. The man gave a sympathetic nod to him which probably meant 'I know what it is like to have a mad wife!!'

Now, in the room, my enraged friend started discussing what-is-wrong-with-our-society kind of thing with her hubby, whose only interest was to get her through the delivery smoothly. He kept saying 'hmm...hmmm...right...yes' at the correct places when he suddenly felt her hand jabbing his jaw - 'you never listen to me - what are you going... hmm hmm.... call the doctor - the pains have started damn it!!'

He ran to the doctor, who informed him that the pains have to be borne for at least an hour as she wanted to see whether normal delivery was at all possible...I'm sure you all can understand the husband's reaction after this - he thought he should prepare himself before going back to his wife....went downstairs for a caffeine boost. Now the waiting area near the coffee machine was abuzz with talks about this miracle of having only male births for three days...as claimed by the pundit...somebody talked of going to the media...another said...there must be something in all these beliefs...etc. etc. The good thing was that the hubby got an idea that would help him and the wife to pass the labour pain period a little more amicably.

He would just have to put a little more fuel in the fire and then things would take their own course...He went up and informed my friend that people were thinking of calling the media...'What!!! how can we still be a free country with so many dumb heads around!!' aaaaaaaaaaah...'yes I was saying, the best thing would be for that obnoxious man in the lift to become the father of a girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl ..........oooooooooooooooohh this is very painful! And to top this, one has to face these ridiculous people.......mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....some cleaner just came to me to say that she expected a new saree and mithai (or cash in lieu of both) if we have a son!!!!!!!!!can you believe this fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...king shit!!!!

Of course, you can imagine my friend's hubby congratulating himself for this brilliant idea...the labour pains were taking care of themselves and he just had to hold her hand..pass on the water from time to time. But, after 15-20 minutes, he was given marching orders, 'GO NOW and find out which room is that obnoxious man and his wife...I want to know whether they have a son or daughter...arrrrre you are still standing here!!!' There was no way to reason with her and remind her that she too was on the brink of having a baby...The hubby trudged along the corridor and caught hold of a ward-boy...gave him a 100 bucks and outsourced the task..He was given detailed instructions to inform about any birth in the hospital especially people who had talked about 'muhurat' from pundit ji. 'Sahab, humein apna number dijiye...hum SMS kar denge sab news apko!'

Then, all moved smoothly....the doctor decided that a C-section was needed and my friend delivered a beautiful baby...yes BOY!!! The husband got three messages on his phone from the ward boy the next day...and all babies born were BOYS.....yes even the baby of the obnoxious man turned out to be a boy much to the chagrin of my friend. And her husband did not tell her but he had been hugged by the obnoxious man twice - on the birth of their respective sons!!!

When she shifted to a recovery room in the hospital, she was praying hard that at least one girl child should be born in the remaining 48 hours. However, all this was soon forgotten as the whole family became busy with the new arrival and with my friend's recovery....

They came back home with the baby and the family planned a big party for the baby and to celebrate my friend's birthday, which was just round the corner...

There was confusion - too much to handle - baby in the house - wife recuperating from surgery - extended family as guests....and yet, you can trust a wife to say..'I thought you'd get me something really special for my birthday this time...but you didn't...I understand...you've been too tied up managing all of this...'

'But, who said, I didn't get you a gift?', quipped the hubby...and then he held it in front of her eyes already shining and big with anticipation.............and it was.............guess what????


It was an invaluable gift - a message from the ward boy, and I quote...'On January 14 night, girl born to Pundit ji wife!!!'

(only then did I understand why the pundit was on the hospital premises - he was an expectant father!!!'

P.S. By the way, my friend did find out afterwards from the hospital that except this aforementioned birth, all babies born on the three days from Jan 12-14 were male!!